The heart… Oh, man. Who can understand it? Right?! We’ve read the words in Jeremiah 17:9 – “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” What?!?! I mean let’s be honest here. If this is what the Bible says, surely, we must operate from confusion all the time, right?
Almost three years ago, I went on quest to discover my heart. The REAL, deep and hidden places that lie there. I prayed one of the most audacious prayers I could ever pray: “Lord, show me me.”
Oh. My. Word. Yeah, friends. Yikes!
I believe that most well meaning humans go about life desiring good. They function from a well balanced place and are; well… nice. That’s good! This is good! But is good, enough?!
“Ok, God. I’m ready. Let’s go. Let’s figure me out. Let’s open these closed doors and let’s see what’s inside.” My intention was good.
In the hallways of this place, the organ that pumps passion into my veins, was still beating ferociously. It was warm and functioning from the innate value, most well meaning humans operate from. Good. From this place I was able to still celebrate and feel deep emotion at the birth of my children and amazing happenings of those who I love around me. As well as I could mourn with the loss of a child and broken hearted humans. I was still functioning… good.
As the journey continued, I gleefully open doors of my heart wide, all smiles and in childlike laughter. Beautiful majestic memories and images, stored in my blood pumping organ, life giver. But as I continued at my pace, and with Jesus at my side, goosebumps would begin to infiltrate my warm, good meaning space. Door after door, Jesus the gentleman that He is, would never just barge into a closed room. He’d gently, wait. He’d gently ask me, “Are you ready now?” He’d gently hold my hand and open the door with me, but not after I said to Him first, “I’m ready.”
Here I wasn’t greeted with the aroma’s of my mom’s perfume that brought comfort when being homesick would paralyze all reason, as a child. There wasn’t any scents of the meals my grandmother would make us every summer, back in our homeland. No. Here the scents were different. Smells of old like when you walk into a thrift shop. Smells of garbage that desperately needed to be taken out. And yes… even smells of death; the literal kind. I am almost convinced that if you aren’t familiar with the scent of a rotting rodent, you don’t know hood. *That’s just my opinion, but stay focused, girl!
When we walked through these doors, here is where I knew I needed to spend the most of my time cleaning up. Here is where I was face to face with the realities of pain and epiphanies of sufferings. Here is where Jesus and I took down the slabs of wood blocking both So/un’s from entering in. Here is where I understood that many of my mistakes and grievances, they spent time in these rooms FIRST, before transforming into words that roll off my tongue and out my lips.
The things we do and the words we say stem from someplace. Sometimes we feel there isn’t any logical explanation for the things we do, yet even still, we do things and operate from all the different rooms of our heart; both good and bad.
Why do we do this?
Because beloved, everything flows in and out of the heart. And if we aren’t careful, the same emotions we have chained and locked up in a room, will seep its way into our bloodstream, pump itself into the plumbing of all the rooms of our hearts and out our mouths. Out our actions. Out our intentional withholding. Out our social media posts and tweets. Out our selfish friendships. Out in traffic or out in line at the post office. Out on our growing teens and fickle bosses. And even out on the people who love you the most. Yes, we are given instruction: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23.
Yes, beautiful; rooms left abandoned and unchecked for leaks, mold or mildew do rot. Rooms left abandoned and unchecked for fits of rage, bitterness and depression those rot too. Unruly tenants such as unforgiveness, slander and jealousy… leave those unattended and they will barge into the safest rooms of your hearts relationships and raise havoc, just so that they could be the center of attention. This. Happens. Otherwise we wouldn’t have been instructed to guard our hearts.
“If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” – Toby Mac
See… Why Toby gotta be all in my business though? I’ll tell you why. Because when you first read it on your insta feed, it made you feel some kind of way and now that you are reading it again on the blog, it’s confirmation. So, what now, boo?
Close your eyes and take a journey into your heart, beloved. Walk down those cobwebbed hallways and look for those boarded up rooms. If it feels too scary to go through alone, ask Jesus to lead you. Remember, Jesus is a gentleman. He will only go where He is invited. Invite Him into those dark spaces. I promise you, nothing can separate you from His love (Rom. 8:38). Not even your ugliest, ugly.
Happy New Year, friends!
With you and for you,